Humans 101: The Art of Grey

 Hello peeps, 

Long time…I am actually quite out of words..you know that feeling when you have so much to say,so much to do, so much to talk about internally but you just don’t have the energy to? Yeah that is right, lethargy though the theatre aunties call is ennui. I tend to come back with numerous ideas at once and then radio silence for months and this time is no different, so much so that i have decided to announce this blog hereby as an online public diary, some platform where i share the craziest pieces of my mind which the world shall have access to after i die of glamour, money, fulfilment and old age ;] 

 A LOT has changed overtime, some good changes ,some bad, some tolerable, some unbearable. One thing I've gotten in my head is the impermanence of existence of every tangible and intangible object, and hopefully will make my peace with it someday. As an extremely powerless human in the grand design of this world, all i can do is to fight and argue and complain  though aimless but that is all i am capable of as a dainty human; what’s funny is that i even like to pretend that somewhere someone is listening to these pleads of help disguised as resistance. 

The theme of this blog shall revolve around a more grey tone. Let's take a walk through the most real phenomenon of losing people, drifting away from your love, changing into someone you never thought you will be, and not knowing where you are and will be. It will be in a scriptural form, just like looking at yourself from afar. 

Sit back and enjoy like it's the best movie script you’ll ever get to read

January 

The start is often a very chill scene, as was for me . Having a great outlook for the year ahead but a sheer sense of nothing new, but to evaluate that ,it's a fairly practical idea that life doesn't change according to the calendar. I personally think it's a sentence of the same page to continue the story instead of a fresh slate to rewrite the stars. 

 A few birthdays, new days of the semester and some new acquaintances. Finally trying to escape the fear of being tagged as ambitionless and accepting her reality , knowing what ‘now’ holds for me and hoping it's better than what the past ‘then’ held. It takes courage to make yourself comfortable in the present when your life rolls on the theme of nostalgia. 

February 

The month of love is not only about love for others but for yourself too which is why it is shorter than the rest. Love is recurring like the month of february but short-lived just like it. 

I  was planning and looking forward to so much and yet not being able to comprehend the timeline of it all at the same time. To expand my horizon and to just be noticed more I took all relevant steps in college,by  joining committees and groups, which for me by definition were a set of like-minded people but news fulash!! It’s just an organ for me to get closer to being someone from no one…clearly i had the wrong idea LOL ;]

Irrespective I was more than  happy to learn but learning does not have to necessarily mean that I must be overworked. Deteriorating health was one strong indicator that I was maybe taking on more than I could handle.

Believe me this was not the “MORE” I was taking!

I personally think that one can take enough physically only if your mind thinks the same otherwise it can easily go down south. The coherence between mind and body is something vital for functioning, and I am about to learn that reeeaally nicely.

March 

The cultural fest of my college was in late April and being in the cultural event committee required that we began the preparations immediately and so we did, from taking auditions to making sure the dancers show up on time to practice to even calling each one to wake them up was in our work role. It was a REALLY heft task to keep track of people and to negotiate a time or mode of practice with them all to keep the party started. props , costumes , backdrop, track and even stage tape all was to be handled and supervised by mere students like me. It was a crazy time, one that I was definitely frustrated about then but will kind of treasure at the same time; at least that is what my mind thought at that time. Again the coherence we talked about between mind and body? Yeah my body did not agree with my mind and i fell seriously ill right before the biggest highlight of my life drumroll my first college trip alone.

April 

  4th april 5:20 AM was my train to ambala from indore and 3rd april i was in fever and with unbearable stomach ache. So the most awaited experience of my life  and me were only a thermometer away. And then 2 things happened that immediately cured me

1} my mom said no trip if i don’t get well which had me  rethinking every choice of mine I made to reach this situation. I could NOT have let that happen.

2} my result of 1st semester came out and I was shocked with a striking 8.1 CGPA which was also the highest that I scored and also the most thrilling I had felt in a long time. I was evidently happy, so much so that my fever and stomach ache decided to go for a vacation and let me as well , as I much deserved it. 

4th april, early morning my mom left me at the station to board the train with my friends, i was reluctant to leave her and oreo my little child, my pet dawg alone, but as bunny said , “kahin pahuchne ke liye kahin se nikalna zaroori hai..” 

I reached Ambala and then we took a traveller ride to Dharamshala which was our first stay for the Himachal Pradesh trip. We reached dharamshala and my heart was already beating only for the mountains, the first peek I got of those snow clad mountains ... .my gosh i was smitten. The dalai lama temple in dharamshala was so serene and quiet, it made me want to really ponder on the being of this world. The lush green mixed elegantly with the whites like the clouds on the tall mountains visible from the temple were so calming. The mall road was chilly yet so well lit and worth taking a stroll on . Next was Bir, then manali and lastly kasol. 

The hotel balcony in Manali gave me the view of my life. I still listen the sound of wind whooshing at the high snowy mountains and river byas flowing in specter far away, the sound of both of them mixed together shushed some serious nonsense in my head and lulled me to a sound sleep at night, the night sky was well lit with stars twinkling and air ever so gently caressed my hairs. Time in the mountains passes so quickly yet so quietly. I could not even comprehend that the trip was on its last day. Visiting the manikaran gurudwara on our way to kasol, I was in absolute awe of how the gurudwara looked so warm and welcoming amidst the rocky and cold mountains of Himachal. As  the sun was about to set we reached kasol and i could not keep my eyes anywhere other than the exquisite mall road which i would say [ unpopular opinion] was much better than manali and the tall trees of deodar and chir, under which i am willing to make a small house and live till the bird of life flows out of my bodily trunk. Next day 10th of april we reached back to ambala to board the train taking us back to reality and indore. Boarding in the train and the first reality that hits me is that my pet , Oreo, is not feeling really well and has had 2-3 epileptic episodes. My heart thudded but my heavy eyelids won. I woke up until now the count of 2-3 has increased to 3-4. I kept talking to my mom about how I am coming back home and how Oreo will be absolutely fine once I take him to the vet. I reached indore past 12 , rushed home and just as i walked in oreo had another attack, i calmed him down, cleaned and put him to sleep. I slept too thinking the coming day will bring better health for my kid. I woke up and his health had only worsened, he had another attack as the vet was reaching my doorstep. Later that afternoon is when everything started to go downhill from where there was no turning back. Oreo started having continuous episodes and at that moment I knew he would soon be in a better place. Amidst my mom’s and my own hysterical wails, I called up my friend and as angelic as he is , he showed up. We took Oreo to the vet and the doctor told us that he has a very high fever, 115 degree celsius , which is fatal for dogs and puts the doctor in a position where Oreo could not receive any treatment as it could put him into cardiac arrest. My friend kept putting ice packs to lower oreo’s temperature, which he did, oreo did get stable and the doctor gave him the treatment to prevent more attacks. All was well, we took my little one back home, laid him on a comfortable carpet and put a pillow below his head in an air conditioned room as instructed by the doctor. We all were relieved, finally eating and lounging after a hectic day. We kept a close watch on Oreo's movements. 

We all were sitting in the same room, me ,my mom , my friend and his sister who is also my friend and my dearest little baby Oreo. It was nightfall and Oreo was sleeping peacefully, almost too peacefully. I looked at him with utmost love when we all noticed his legs jerking, we bent near him to check, my friend slowly held Oreo's head and my mom along with my other friend were also squatting near oreo. 

 I was standing a little away from where he was laying, and I could see the big exhale that freed him from his pain. At that moment I knew he was no more. I had never known death so closely before this. 

11th april 6:40 pm , internal bleeding, haemorrhage , organ failure. 

The doctor said and my heart sank on what I already knew.

Any other sound after that is a buzzing noise and anything my eyes saw after that is something that I can't explain, which is why I won't try to. 

Oreo had been a very active dog only hungry for love and had that only to give out, his passing was really peaceful. He survived a whole lot of pain and finally took his last breath at home near people he loved and those who loved him. For you it might just be an instance of a pet dog who died but for me it was a huge loss of an irreplaceable emotional bond, remembering which my eyes tear up as I write this.

May 

Take this more as a conclusive month. I’ve seen quite the shades of life this year and am still yet to see more. I caught a lovely friend in a lie, i had reality checks given to me by the people i expected the least and many more all of which can be easily categorised into black and white But i understood more wholly that there is no black and white certainly all the time, there is a massive part of all our lives that is grey. It is simply because we paint it grey , we make those distinctions for the people we love, that irrespective of what they do, hurt us with words, hurt us by their presence, hurt us by their absence , hurt us by lying , hurt us by telling the truth, hurt us by being our friend, hurt us by telling us to get some other friends hurt us by choosing us or hurt us by not choosing us  { black} some part of us will always love them { white} which makes them the grey of our lives. I too proudly have much grey in my life. And as far as it is about drifting away from love, i say it’s best to love from afar as getting up an close can introduce all kinds of intricacies for which i have decided that I just won’t speak, i won’t crack and tell those greys what they've done to add the “black” in my “white” because my right will always be their wrong and their right may not always be right for me; sometimes it’s better to leave things and words unsaid, not everything or every feeling is supposed to be shared , not every idea is to be presented, as it WILL be ostracised and misused exactly by the people you love so much..after all they HAVE done something disappointing enough to make it to the grey. Silence is the best defence when you are not in the court of law.

We shall meet again my dear ones,

Until then…

Much love

More power

solivagant.